You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
