My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
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