I wish I could punch you in the face.
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Randomize
