smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
He kissed a someone with a penis
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
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