I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Randomize
