Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
