I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
