in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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