i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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