We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
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