Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize