Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
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