I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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