it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Randomize