I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
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