I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
