I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
They say you shouldnt they say its no good for the environment in your vagina
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Randomize
