drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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