I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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