Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Randomize
