is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Randomize
