My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
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