Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
I party with great urgency now.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Randomize
