Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
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