I can tuck mytits in my pants
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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