The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
party gras won. party gras always wins.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Randomize
