it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
third nipple confirmed
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Randomize
