proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
