I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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