There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
