So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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