he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize