I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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