I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
