if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
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