I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
