I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
i believe in u and ur pee
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Randomize
