he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Randomize
