i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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