Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Randomize
