you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
