Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
Randomize
