i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
