from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Randomize
