Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Randomize
