I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
