Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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