there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
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