she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
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