I never want to see another naked old woman again.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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