Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
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