My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
spencer pratt says his family invinted chess
that kid is like the al gore of hollywood.
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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