im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
