Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Randomize
