gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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